Praying for VISON

I go through phases of praying to Father to take away the fear in the OCD. He hasn't. I don't know why. I still believe he is good. As I was praying today I felt what I've had before: a sense that I need to live with this wretched problem. Because as I learn to be content with having it, it will no longer be a problem.

The thing is, half, if not most of the battle is in coming to accept that the thoughts are just thoughts. They can harm no-one but yourself. Yet the feelings associated with the thoughts are very real. Painful.

What I need is a vision. A kingdom vision. I've tried this before. I find it hard. I'm not very good at being focused. If I could somehow set my mind on being the Light of the World to which Jesus called Israel back to, then maybe I will start to enter the healing of OCD. I don't know how I'm going to hold on to vision. Perhaps I'll get my best mate alongside to help out.

The vision is to seek God's kingdom values in the day to day moments in life.

That my conversations and encounters with people would be seasoned with kindness and gentleness.

That I would pray for the people who wind me up.

That somehow, I would come out of the mental arguments I have about hurting people and realise how wonderfully created they are.


Father, grant me vision.

Five Seconds

So, I had some time with Jesus this morning. I was reminded of how in Baptism we go from death into life. I've had so much in the way of destructive thought patterns - but I want these go die. And so I spent time praying that these would die, and that by identifying with the resurrection of Jesus, I could find life.

And so now I'm trying not to spend more than a few seconds dwelling on these thoughts. I want to dwell on God's heart for humanity: to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with our God. Even the struggle I have with OCD - dwelling on this struggle often leads me to then dwell on the thoughts itself - i'm trying not to dwell on for more than five seconds.

I definitely need the Spirit's help. But then, He's a faithful Father.

Who Am I?

One of the difficulties with having OCD is that it has completely destroyed my sense of who I am; my self-identity. Before it reared its ugly head I saw myself as a very kind, helpful, hard-working individual. Now, this self-defined character of being caring has gone out the window, particularly in the light of intense thoughts of harming other people.

At the moment, I'm just tired. Exhausted when I work, tired when I rest. There is no rest with this. My mind feels utterly chaotic and I struggle to maintain control over my thoughts. Losing control is what I'm afraid of. It's a scary notion.

It seemed so easy for me when I was this, somewhat arrogant, individual who defined himself as a 'people-person', able to care deeply for others. I don't know what the Bible has to say about self-identity - only how God sees us in Jesus Christ. The thing is, I'm not sure that many followers of Jesus define themselves, in reality, by what Scripture says about them. Do many people really believe they are bad enough to need salvation?

"Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household...And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit. (Ephesians: 2: 19,22; NIV)

Jesus: The suffering God

Ok, so I thought I'd write a bit about who I am in my first blog. I was actually thinking of setting up a website because there don't seem to be too many around that tackle OCD from a Christian point of view. It's hard. It's a mental disorder that's not commonly understood by people in churches. It messes with your head. It can ruin your life and it affects the relationships of those around you.

Yet where is Jesus in all of this? My relationship with Him has changed massively over the last few years. I'm learning that he loves me dearly. In church this evening we focussed on the Stations of the Cross. One of these is where Jesus washes his disciples' feet. He takes the dirt of their feet onto his towel, which he then wraps around himself. He takes our dirt upon himself. We have the God who brings us into himself. I'm learning he is the God who suffers. Sure, he may not have had OCD but he knows fear, loneliness, pain and heartache. I'm learning that I can trust this man-God who has been through hell and back to redeem me. He still bears the wounds which he invites us to touch for ourselves. This Jesus I can worship.

I don't know who gets to view these blogs. I hope it can provide a platform for making sense of Jesus, of life with OCD and the two together.