So, I had some time with Jesus this morning. I was reminded of how in Baptism we go from death into life. I've had so much in the way of destructive thought patterns - but I want these go die. And so I spent time praying that these would die, and that by identifying with the resurrection of Jesus, I could find life.
And so now I'm trying not to spend more than a few seconds dwelling on these thoughts. I want to dwell on God's heart for humanity: to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with our God. Even the struggle I have with OCD - dwelling on this struggle often leads me to then dwell on the thoughts itself - i'm trying not to dwell on for more than five seconds.
I definitely need the Spirit's help. But then, He's a faithful Father.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Who Am I?
One of the difficulties with having OCD is that it has completely destroyed my sense of who I am; my self-identity. Before it reared its ugly head I saw myself as a very kind, helpful, hard-working individual. Now, this self-defined character of being caring has gone out the window, particularly in the light of intense thoughts of harming other people.
At the moment, I'm just tired. Exhausted when I work, tired when I rest. There is no rest with this. My mind feels utterly chaotic and I struggle to maintain control over my thoughts. Losing control is what I'm afraid of. It's a scary notion.
It seemed so easy for me when I was this, somewhat arrogant, individual who defined himself as a 'people-person', able to care deeply for others. I don't know what the Bible has to say about self-identity - only how God sees us in Jesus Christ. The thing is, I'm not sure that many followers of Jesus define themselves, in reality, by what Scripture says about them. Do many people really believe they are bad enough to need salvation?
"Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household...And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit. (Ephesians: 2: 19,22; NIV)
At the moment, I'm just tired. Exhausted when I work, tired when I rest. There is no rest with this. My mind feels utterly chaotic and I struggle to maintain control over my thoughts. Losing control is what I'm afraid of. It's a scary notion.
It seemed so easy for me when I was this, somewhat arrogant, individual who defined himself as a 'people-person', able to care deeply for others. I don't know what the Bible has to say about self-identity - only how God sees us in Jesus Christ. The thing is, I'm not sure that many followers of Jesus define themselves, in reality, by what Scripture says about them. Do many people really believe they are bad enough to need salvation?
"Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household...And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit. (Ephesians: 2: 19,22; NIV)
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